hope against all hope

Growing up there were two things I was absolutely sure of.
I knew my goals and dreams and passion in life was to be a mother and a counselor.
and now I don’t want to do either.
I vowed I would be a great mother
but the older I get the more I realize just how bad at it I would be.
I’m no where near ready to give counsel to anyone
or to care for another – I can barely care for my self.
I guess it could be that I’m just unprepared
but all desire has dissipated.
disappeared.
I’m not sure if this is a change of mind or if it is actually hopelessness.
am I just so frightened of being horrible at it that I give up?
am I merely a coward?

We rejoice in our sufferings
knowing our suffering produces endurance
and endurance produces character
and character produces hope
and hope does not put us to shame
because God’s love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us.
Romans 5:3-5

what is it that the believer, justified by faith in Christ, hopes?
assurance of salvation from God’s wrath on judgment day?
what is this hope that will not disappoint?
the NASB study bible comments “it is the blessed assurance of our future destiny and is based on God’s love”
the believer’s hope is the confidence that “the purpose for which God has created him will be ultimately realized”

What of the promises God has spoken to me?
God told me I would be a blessing to others,
that I would be a spiritual mother to many,
that he would use me.
what then?
Do I make God out to be a liar?

Why is it so difficult to believe?
In this reality everyday I come face to face with the lies
my experiences of the truth are so rare in this broken and fallen world
I just came to believe so many things about this world
to learn the rules the world operates by
and I am so accustomed to it
its become a way of living
its what I call slave mentality.

do I believe God gives life to the dead?
the God who calls into existence that which did not exist
the bringer and creator of life
the God who delivered Israel from enslavement
and made them into a people, his people
and promised to be their God
the God who redeems and restores
the Resurrection and the Life.

the God who calls my heart to faith
to respond to his loving faithfulness
to trust him, in the midst of all reasonable doubt
to hear his voice
to follow him.

?

on love.

love is costly.
if my study on the Fourth Gospel has taught me anything it is this.
in The Gospel According to John, Leon Morris comments that for the author, the love of God which the author is depicting is not a sentimental love, but a love that costs.
the Father's love was a love that did not withhold. He gave the best he had, all he had -- his Only Son.
the many commands to love Jesus charges his disciples with in the fourth gospel must be seen in light of the Father's exemplary love and His love for his own.

this made me think about all the times I make the excuse that I cannot will myself to feel love for God, for my father, for someone whom the desire to love is lacking.
but real love is not about sentimentality or feeling emotions; it is about the giving of oneself, for the other, many times in spite of a lack of feeling or desire to do so.

I ask myself, how much has it cost me to love?
how much of myself have I freely given, when it costs me discomfort, rejection, hurt, disappointment, humiliation, or forgiveness?
the truth is I am unwilling to love, to give that kind and quality of love despite not having received it for myself
love must be given, but not only if and when it is deserved

so I am humbled by the utter humiliation Jesus was willing to endure, on the cross, and also in the act of washing the disciples' feet. an act not even fit for Jewish slaves.

And the concept of love is so intimately tied to obedience, and to faithfulness
there was no bound or limit to the extent of Jesus' love for his own, but everything he did was in obedience to the Father's will, to glorify the Father, and so that they might know him, so they might believe and be saved in his name

perhaps you cannot separate the element of obedience from love
Jesus says if you love me, you will keep my commands
and he commands us to love as he has loved us.

That we love one another is what identifies those who are his disciples


we love not because we feel like it, not because it is deserved, but because Jesus has loved us, how he has loved us, and he has commanded us to do the same.

God withheld nothing. I withhold everything.


I look within myself and think I don't have it in me
I don't have love to give

but God's love not only serves as an example, it also evokes our own loving response.

Love your enemies. Forgive your brother.

If i speak in the tongues of men and of angels but have not love, i am a noisy gong or a clanging cymbal.

And if i have prophetic powers, and understand all mysteries and all knowledge, and if i have all faith, so as to move mountains,

but have not love, i am nothing.

If i give away all i have and if i deliver up my body to be burned, but have not love, i gain nothing.

 

Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude.

It does not insist on its own way, it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth.

Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.

Love never ends.

 

I've been thinking about the choice i have.

Choosing to be angry, or choosing to forgive.

Choosing to relish in the satisfaction and validation that comes from holding grudges,

from pointing out others' faults, and how i've been wronged.

Refusing to let go of the past, let go of the hurt.

Becoming proud, indignant, self-righteous.

Or instead of taking satisfaction in the criticism of others' shortcomings, choosing to love.

 

God says forgive seventy x seven times

God says love your enemies

I say, What are you, crazy?!!

 

I've never had enemies.

But sometimes, in this evil world, families are pitted against each other.

Your parents, your sibling, your spouse becomes your enemy.

They are the most difficult to love.

They are the most trying on your patience.

The most threatening to your pride.

The hardest to give grace.

The hardest to have hope for.

The hardest to bear and endure.

The hardest to forgive.

 

Lord,

In my own self-indignant way

I want those whom have hurt me to pay

To be punished

I want to retaliate

I take joy in pointing out their flaws

I think i am any better.

I have not love in me.

Not enough love.

Help me to have the heart and strength and courage to love with compassion and grace

To love when they do not show me love

When they cannot love me the way i need and want

When i feel used and neglected and unseen

Fill me with Your love for them

 

Choosing to be angry and retract my love does no good

Help me to find healing and freedom in forgiveness.

Help me to love freely, without demand or expectation in return,

Without protecting myself,

Without judgment,

Without condition.

 

Teach me how to reconcile.

Teach me how to love my enemies, forgive my brother.

 

 

September 3 2011

 

The summer is now ending.

Its too late to observe and state how little writing/thinking/reflecting I have done

The Jays offered somewhat of a reprieve from La vie

And now its time to resurface.

 

Where was i?

Or, rather, where am i?

 

I am precisely 5 courses/2 semesters/ one year from completing my B.A.

I am entering my mid-twenties. Its getting harder to refer to myself as still 'growing-up'

I am far from God, but recognizing the how and why, so feeling like I'm closer to being closer to Him. ..lets hope

I am still a student living with her grandmother with no job, but huge debt, preoccupied with playing rather than studying

 

Where have I come?

If I were a geologist digging deep into the heart of my soul

I would say the past few years I uncovered a few layers

And slowly I am venturing beneath the next

But still

At the very core is a child

too hurt and wounded to trust, feel, or love

and live

 

yes, I suppress, restrain, deny, conceal, blunt, minimize, cover, stifle, hold back and dial down any feelings

yes, I do not forgive those who have hurt me

yes, I run away from any threat to protect myself

yes, I do not trust even God

yes, I still just want to be loved

 

but it feels like I'm getting closer the farther I go

closer to being broken

closer to facing who I am before God

closer to returning, the prodigal son.

 

Is there hope yet for me?

Do you have some destined plan you are working out?

Have you meant this all for good?

 

How could I possibly counsel anyone,

Offer to invite anyone a safe place of refuge to meet another, to face and work out their pain and problems and selves

When I have yet to weather the turmoil and turbulent storms of my own soul?

Not to say that I seek to be perfect, complete or master my depravity

But only to not be mastered by it.

 

Am I nearer to meeting Jesus?

Am I almost at my end, ready to die, pick up my cross and know redemption?

Am I ready to know your love?

Am I willing?

 

Jesus are you asking me if I want to be well?

 

Are you asking me to pick up my mat and sin no more?

 

If only I had such faith, such desperation.

 

Your grace must be bigger than my unbelief.

 

Do I hear you? Help me to hear. Help me to see.

 

 

wow the semester is over in 4 days and this is my second post of the year.

i'm at my breaking point. i desperately need the summer off.

i feel so out of control
i want to sleep for 2 months and wake up refreshed, refocused and ready to go
but i know thats not how it happens.
i gotta get a grip.
but its like the harder i come down on myself the more i lose control

i dont know how to win that battle with myself

i feel like i'm Jacob wrestling with the Lord until the dawn
until finally i face what i am

i'm out of prayers. i'm out of heart and spirit.
there's nothing left in me.
it's like poison has sucked the life out of me.

do i want to be well?

my life in semesters

it's a new year. why does it not feel like a new beginning. it feels like... more of the same.

it's a new semester, but all that means is i'll be facing the same struggles, coupled with the new challenges each semester brings. basically more of the same.

sigh. 

i have so much anxiety these days. each moment i have with myself i feel the weight of it bringing me down.
i'm sinking. i don't want to despair. i try not wallow in it. i tell myself to change my thoughts and my attitude.

it feels like i'm always trying.... but coming up short.

I seriously need to figure out a way to cope with all this pressure.
i never feel adequately prepared or equipped to tackle these challenges.
to live life.

just today i was thinking, "I don't have much going for me." But I get scared to look at myself, to face my reflection. i don't want to see it.

i think back to what Dr.Noh was saying in Human Development...
about learning to self-regulate our emotions
i still have a long way to go in learning how to handle my discouragement, disappointment,
and learning to motivate myself.

i just feel so out of control. i want to master my feelings and my thoughts. i wish i had such discipline.

i think about my father. and his repeated failures. and i'm afraid of being like him. i'm afraid i'll inherit his legacy. i can't even take care of myself. i still live in my own world refusing to grow up and bear my responsibilities.

Lord, 
are you still wanting to repair my brokenness?

I really need to learn how to make better decisions for myself.
I still make bad choices. I still cannot say no when I should.
I still base my decisions on impulse or trivial matters.

i was tidying up a bit and came across some old bible study notes.
it reminded me that i need to make my decisions based on what God can do, and not on what I can't do.
it was a reminder that intimate relationship with God is where we get our strength for life.

Lord,
please reorder the desires of my heart.
help me to cultivate a hunger for you.
I want to learn how to be faithful with all that you have given me.
i want to find you, build my house on your solid rock. 
I feel like i'm crumbling. 

happy birthday to me

i'm going into my 26th year the same way i came into my first:

crying.

i have an appointment with a new counselor tuesday.

i'm not at all sure what i want to tell him

or how i will say it

but i'm hoping the Lord will be with me.

i came home and listened to Pastor Jason's sermon today

it's been awhile since a sermon hit me deeply

he preached on conflict.

the passage was Genesis 45.

the very verse that God pierced my heart with.

"It was not you who sent me here, but God"

he spoke about understanding the nature of conflict

and how to face it

that it is thru conflict that God forms character

and teaches us to love better

it is thru conflict that Joseph went from being a dreamer,

to a leader who was a blessing to the nation

these days it seems my inability to effectively deal with conflict has been blowing up in my face

all around are people i don't share perspectives, values with

people i don't get along with

or even like

but he reminds me that how we handle conflict reveals our true character

and that it takes maturity to embrace peoples differences

that instead of confronting/exploding or withdrawing/disconnecting

God wants us to stay and learn and deepen the relationship

for when we flee we will never grow beyond our own understanding,

grow in character or maturity

he talked about being able to see the hand of God working through conflict

don't i pray for God to make me more understanding, more loving?

and yet am i teachable?

when God places people in my life that bring conflict

am i able to see others and see the circumstance from His perspective? 

am i able to intercede for those who are particularly difficult to love?

instead of withdrawing and trying to just forgive in my own heart

without confronting

how can i let go of my pride and fear

and overcome with the truth of God

to go beyond simply forgiving, but also be reconciled?

this is an opportunity to respond in faith

to allow God to teach me

and learn and grow

Lord I want to submit to what you are doing through all this

even for those who are the hardest for me to love and forgive

to be honest with

to embrace

Lord increase my ability to love

to accept them

and for the inner turmoil within myself

help me to let go of the anger and bitterness

that has been rotting my spirit

robbing my joy and spirit to worship you

help me to accept myself

help me to meet you Jesus

to know your love and grace

to experience freedom from my shame and burden

and extend your forgiveness toward others

 

book study: Alive in Christ- Charles Price

Ch 9
how do we gain access to presence of God, to the Most Holy Place?

through the entrance of the Tabernacle, the first feature in the courtyard was the bronze altar.
it is here that burnt, guilt, and sin offerings were made to God.
from this we can see that access to God begins with the shedding of blood--
"the laying down of life in substitutionary payment for the penalty of sin"

the altar directs us to the Cross of Christ,
the starting point to fellowship with God.
the Cross was a substitute for our sin and our death, paid in full by Christ
it was satisfactory. God required nothing more.
it is sufficient. to doubt the depth of complete forgiveness is to deny the effectiveness of the Cross.
without the confidence that we stand justified before God on the basis of His death alone,
we can neither know God nor enjoy his presence.

Have you been to the Cross,
to the altar where the fire never burns out
and is always available to liberate you from your sin and justify you before God?

at this altar grain offerings were also given
blood offerings dealt with sin, grain offerings dealt with the self
it represented offering yourself, in connection with being forgiven.
on the Cross Christ died for us, but we also died with Him
all that is in us that is apart from God must be crucified
yet not I, but Christ lives in me

for until we avail ourselves of the full measure of the Cross
we shall not experience the fullness of God's purposes for us and in us.

next, was the bronze basin, where priests washed their hands and feet
cleanliness was required before entering the presence of God
though we received justification at the Cross,
we need ongoing cleansing as we fall into sin

Who may ascend to the hill of the Lord?
who may stand in his holy place?
he who has clean hands and a pure heart,
who does not lift up his soul to an idol or swear by what is false 

The basin was constructed from the mirrors of women
an instrument originally for the purpose of turning attention to the self
was made to turn attention to God.
in a similar fashion, if we become introspective of our spiritual lives
we will get discouraged, disappointed and despair.
we ought to turn our attention to Christ, in whom alone our righteousness is found.


next, in the holy place, was the table of bread,
and the bread of the presence.
on top of justifying and cleansing us,
the Lord strengthens and sustains us as well.
Jesus is the bread of life.
it is not fellowship, good teaching, or even good doctrine that satisfies or nourishes us.
it is Christ alone.


Next, the Golden Lampstand.

*  *  *

Lord,

i am so guilty of looking inward

i see my wretchedness and i despair

instead of looking to you

to the Cross

and what you have already accomplished

I have yet to learn of your forgiveness

of meeting you at the cross

of being cleansed before you

there are so many places in my inmost being where you do not reside

that i have not crucified and surrendered

Holy Spirit,

guide my heart so that i may be led to true repentance

to turn from the idols i give over to

that i may obey your law

i want to have a pure heart

to walk in your ways

i want to know Christ.

i want you to be real in my life.

i want to be deeply transformed,

i want to genuinely proclaim

that to live is Christ

and to die is gain.

i want to live my life seeking you with all my heart, soul and my everything

but i keep losing sight of who you are

and that you are the one going before me

i keep trying to go up and take the land by force

without your approval

Lord make me humble

that i may be your servant

please show me your kindness

let me have faith in you

and not in me

free me from condemnation

from lies and burdens

help me to see your Truth

it is your kindness Lord that leads us to repentance

I'm feeling sick.
i decided to take the night to rest, put off my studies.
i ended up watching tv all night
mindlessly
and now i'm not tired enough to sleep
i'm only bored
and overcome with lethargy.
here i finally have a rare moment
to do all the things i complain i never have time for
much needed downtime
but my journal stays tucked away on the shelf
along with my sketchbooks
i cant even be bothered to read the books ive been meaning to get around to
im not even interested.
i have some time to reflect
but theres nothing on my mind these days that is even worth thinking about
what am i spending my thoughts on?
anything of value?


so... shall i meet with God?
What do i even have to talk about with him?
Do i need to say anything at all?
if i dont say anything, what do i do?
get comfortable with the silence
just knowing i am in his presence?
take time to listen
to the small inner voice
that will brings things to the surface
direct my thoughts?
listen to my spirit?
for what i need to hear
to see?
i could just pray.
what ever happened to my heart to intercede?

Lord, let my mind wander
help me to be still within myself
to be attuned to your presence
help me to listen with my spiritual ears
to be sensitive to your spirit moving
may i be aware of you
and respond to whatever comes up appropriately....


I feel bad about yelling at my dad and about our exchanges this week
i wish i could communicate better with him.
i feel bad about hurting his feelings like i do.

but what if i could write a new script for my relationship with him?
what would that look like?
i would want the opposite of the way things are now,
the script i have been telling myself for a long time,
that i am completely severed from him
detached
disconnected
and disheartened towards him
if i wrote a new script it would be that i can find a way to connect with him.
that i can actually open my heart to let him in.
i need to change my attitude.
he is not just someone who bothers me
whom i want to shut out.
i keep thinking i dont want to try, it's too uncomfortable
but that is the fatalistic conclusion i have already made
and have been approaching and perceiving it with
i need to tell myself that i can connect with him somehow.
when i choose to, i can actually relate to people easily
i can receive them
talk to them
want to know them
listen
and meet with them.
why cant i do that with my dad? or mom.

connection comes from being honest and transparent with another
i have to be real.
im not real with my dad.
i dont show him who i am
i dont reveal my heart to him
i dont share the intimate, meaningful parts of my self with him
i want to be cold and shut him out
i want to punish him
i want him to feel the hurt of being unloved and rejected
because that is how i have felt my whole life.

i need to forgive my father.

that is what God has been tugging at my heart.
being more forgiving.

Jesus, 
help me to let go of the hurt i have been holding onto
the spite and resentment and desire to lash out in retaliation
though this response was probably a natural inclination arising from my experiences growing up
it is time to stop doing the things i have been doing, to stop the patterns i have grown accustomed to
it is time to do the unnatural
to turn around and walk the other way

Lord help me to find peace in my heart
i have so little capacity to love
i need your divine love and spirit to forgive and be reconciled
to connect
to be honest
to gain a father i already deemed lost
to be found when i deemed myself abandoned
to be touched though i cowered to be alone
there is a lot of hurt on both sides that needs to be healed

you are the God of Abraham, Isaac and Jacob
the God of Joseph.
i know you can redeem.
help me to take a step God.
help me to find the courage and heart to put forgiveness into action
give me the words to say
give me the strength to step out of my comfort zone
they say the only way past something is through it

I am so lacking in grace and love
and so quick to be unmerciful when i am hurt by others
But you command us to be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to anger.

There is freedom in forgiveness.
I need your power to forgive.

A new year...

A new year is off to a start.
Small group will begin imminently
and the school semester is already underway.

coming out of the ministry team meeting
on the way home my thoughts led to leading small group this year
and also wanting to start a prayer ministry at school
i dont know where this desire keeps coming from
whether it is just me wanting to seek recognition and praise
and feel like somebody important
or if it is a vision or heart God is giving to me for his purposes
but whatever i do i don't want to do it for my own glory
i need to acknowledge these motives come with serving and building up my gifts and abilities and i need to deal with it humbly.

Lord maybe it is my heart to intercede that is coming out
I want to be a woman of prayer
someone who prays for people and meets them spirit to spirit
i want to be centered and bring a presence when i am with others

perhaps this year's theme is exactly what i need to work on - stepping up.
it's time to step up and start living and being and transforming into
the woman that i am called to be, that i envision myself to be for God

it's time to cast aside all the filth and be set apart
i will no longer defile myself.

back to reality

my my i have been so b u s y. 

i hate that.

but i have been enjoying myself and the company of friends

school starts in 2 weeks

i am not dreading it as much now

i can do this!

although i am auditing a couple courses

i'm only taking 3 courses for credit

so that shouldn't be too hard to handle

all in all.

and you know what

i'm proud of myself

for not choosing the easy course

i'm going to challenge myself

and i am going to bear it

some goals for this upcoming year:

i am going to work on changing my attitude about a lot of things

for example, i am going to approach this class i dont like with the prof i dont like

with the intent to gain as much as i can out of it

instead of criticizing and complaining about the downfalls.

i am going to manage my finances better,

pay off my credit cards,

and even save just a little each month

the biggest goal i have is to be extra strict with time management.

i will NOT do things that are a waste of my time.

if that means not seeing certain friends as much, so be it.

i am going to continue to practice drawing when i can

i will not be a slave to answer my phone

i am going to be c o m  m i t t e d to small group and church on sundays

and lastly,

i have had the unexpected delight of making 4 wonderful new friends over the past year

i want to develop those relationships

as well as try to meet some new people this year.

i need to quit smoking.

thots@work

I'm regretting wasting my summer away.
I have 3 weeks til school starts and I haven't once gone to a cafe to draw or read or pray.
 
You know what word I equate with 'summer'? -Tomorrow.
B/c everything I always wish I could do I leave for summer and never ever get to it 

and then I think ill put it off for next year or next time. 
Summer is always elusive. The summer I intend to have, that is. 
Something is definitely wrong with making summer plans.
I almost want to say summer is never really summer.
There doesn't exist a 'summer' in our lives.
A time to designate for all that we want to accomplish and achieve.
A time out. 
Its the ever elusive down time that always plays hard to get.
The me that says I will cultivate discipline and devotion and take care of myself. 
It doesn't exist!
 
There is only the now. 

I dream of fleeing to a monastary where i can take a vow of silence, devotion,

spend my days reading theological literature and studying and meditating 

and praying from dusk til dawn.

when will that ever happen?

You dont go FLEEing somewhere to live life

you live it right where you are.

you MAKE your life what it ought to be

not GO to a place that is conducive to the things you want to do

Sigh. I want to live my days learning theology, reading and drawing and praying and writing. 

Seriously I want to cut out everything and devote hours each day to cultivating my spiritual growth.

I don't want to fill my days wasting my time with movies and eating out 

and whatever else nonsense I let consume too much of my energy. 
I am going to read Calvin's Institutes, starting with this short abridged book of select sections. 

No more frivilous mindless unbeneficial indulgent junk. 
I need to start being seriously picky and cautious how I spend each hour of my life. 

I need to tuck myself away at home, detached from the world, and devote myself to seeking the Lord. 
I don't care if my friends never see me or I cut out ppl and socializing. 

I want God. 

And he is the one person that always gets pushed back til 'summer' or 'tomorrow' 

and takes a back seat and comes next to last. 
I can't guarantee that I will exactly wake up at 5 every morning to pray 

or practice sitting in silence for 2 hours at a time, 

but I think a good start for me is to come home, 

turn off my phone, shut out all else and invite God and bask in our time together, 

just Him and I. 
I want to deactivate fb. 

I want to disconnect internet and my phone and tv and everything, every stupid thing I distract myself with. 

Just me and my God. In a cave. In a closet. In secret. In real time. In 3D. Whatever. 
God can't we go away together, 

go someplace, lock ourselves in, and just stare at each other and talk and be silent and nap 

and can't you just hold me and let me discover you and enjoy each others company? 
Let's face it. Aint nobody gonna court me but you. 
And there aint nobody I want to be with more. 

Gal 4 - growing in the knowledge of God

i skipped church again. 
i got all ready and i meant to go but last minute they called to go for lunch.
i know its an excuse. 
i made my choice. it was deliberate.

i just listened to the sermon online.
pastor Jason spoke of what it means to grow in the knowledge of God, 
what it means to grow spiritually.
he says knowing God means knowing his heart
the father heart of God
it means going beyond doing the motions
internalizing the heart of what we do
and understanding what it is really about

he used the example of as a parent wanting to teach basic behaviors to his kids
making their beds, brushing their teeth, doing their homework in advance.
and how he hopes that as they grow up and mature they will come to realize
the reason behind why they do these things
internalize it
and understand the value of why he taught them to do it

because it is not just about what we do--
going to church on sundays
reading the bible and praying
out of guilt
giving our money
going to missions--
in itself.

and of course my first thought naturally went to my parents
wishing i had parents who bothered to teach me such things
who instilled even basic values in me
but i realize no matter how great they were/are or werent/arent
i would never be satisfied anyway
i would never be happy
it would never be enough.


but i do wonder...
would i still be who i am 
had they been different?
had they raised me differently?
how much are they responsible for who i have become?
how much am i?
and what can i do about it now?


God, are you still in the business of changing people?


Lord, what is it that i am grieving?
Why am i always grieving in my fantasies?
Show me what it is i have lost, so that i may grieve and heal.


Lord i hunger for your Word of life
to speak to me
to feed me
for even just one day
one hour


when was the last time i took out my bible
and meditated on it?




oh Lord,
help me to come before you honestly
as i am.
if i wrestled with you as Jacob did,
would you really win?
because i need to confess to you 
who i really am
i need to face it
and own up to it
and admit
just how deceitful i am

and i want to come away transformed.

but i am so weak.

i finally found it.
after sifting through almost 30 books of crap in the past few weeks
it came to me.

i dont know how to describe what it is
but when the right book or words or revelation
falls into your hands
its like the stars are aligned
and everything is in its place
it just FITS.
it's just RIGHT.
and its magic.

its not even particularly that this book taught me anything
but right from the first chapter
it grabbed hold of my heart
and kept squeezing.

somehow, through some fictional story written for teens
i was given a gift
i was allowed a safe space
to feel

"to let my emotions breathe"

i dont even know why it resonates with me
i dont even know what it is exactly 
i am grieving
what it is i have lost


but sometimes things have a way of speaking to us
not in words


and maybe this is shallow
but somehow in reading a story about loss
i was able to get in touch with my own
and it feels GOOD
to feel sad
and sob
and ache
because for so long i havent let myself feel

i feel like this is the closest ive come to being real
and honest
before God
in a long time.






i had this image of myself
sitting on a bench 
in a park
in the middle of a bright day
with a helium tank
balloons
and slips of parchment
whereupon i can pen down the things i havent been wanting to see written out
encapsulating the secret burdens
and one by one
watch the colourful bubbles sail away into the blue skies
to let them go
out of my hands
and let them rise
beyond my reach

a loaded word.

devotion.

the term "daily devos" has left this word all too familiar
and devoid of meaning.
what is devotion?
what does it mean to be truly devoted to some end?
how can i be devoted to God?

devotion. commitment. sacrifice.
what do i know of these?

i found myself singing this the other night.

in Christ alone
my hope is found
he is my light, my strength, my song
this cornerstone, this solid ground
firm through the fiercest drought and storm

what heights of love, what depths of peace
when fears are stilled, when strivings cease
my comforter, my all in all
here in the love of Christ i stand

on prayer..

Prayer is an attitude arising from faith

 and focuses our attention and our whole lives on God.

Prayer is an act in which we open ourselves to God’s presence,

Break up hard hearts to receive refreshing shower of God’s grace.

Prayer is a practice by which we allow ourselves to receive God’s gifts,

To be embraced by Christ’s love,

To be filled with the life of the Spirit.

Prayer involves talking with God, about all things,

Every ugly or beautiful feeling or fantasy,

Every nasty or pious thought,

Every dream and disappointment,

Frustration and achievement.

It involves confession and repentance,

Our sins and failures and anxieties

Our doubts and struggles.

It involves intercession and petition,

Our needs and needs of others.

It involves praise and thanksgiving.

It involves silence.

We need to be silent to be attuned to God,

To hear a gentle sound of love

Or be aware of his divine embrace,

If we are going to be aware of God,

Touched by him,

Or hear his Word.

Prayer is standing in the presence of God with mind and heart.

to my surprise,
i havent thought about him much the past two days.

i realize my heart is so torn
i have been trying to go two different directions

purity of heart is to will one thing.
to will ONE thing.

  . . .   . . .   . . .

Lord, i desire to quiet
all other voices
so that i may hear Yours.

i want to make space for You
i need to clear the clutter

i wish i could - i wish i would - put aside the time
i fill with fruitless entertainment
and otherworldly gratification
and spend it listening to you 
feeding off your Word
your bread of life


i wish i could stop rotting inside.

how can i live
so that my actions please you?
use my voice to offer you praises
my conversations
my interactions
my work
my thoughts
my meals
my money
my rest....
how can i live a life like Christ my Lord


how can i meet you
so that i come away changed




my God,
it is my desire to be a new creation
to be reborn
given a clean heart
and a new spirit
to live again


i know not your strength nor your power to live by
nor how to turn mere words into true repentance
i need ceaseless floods of your grace


i cannot take these dark nights of my soul alone

why i want to be 40

We will do the most growing over the next 10 years.

I think 40 is when people seem to come to know themselves, be secure and comfortable in their skin, in life.

They are more together,

The way I want to be now.

That’s why im so attracted to older people.

I want to be where they are in life

I admire and aspire to be like them

Im attracted to their maturity which has come from wisdom gained through time

But I know it comes with time and going through this transition phase and experiencing life and living it

They say when giving birth the first 4 centimeters take the longest to dilate.

I feel like I have been just waiting and uncomfortable and in pain for so long at this beginning stage

I have always felt so stuck in this body in this age in this emotional and spiritual infancy

Like ive been waiting for myself to grown into my self

But what infant or child is conscious of their growth

They grow naturally

They eat and sleep and grow without will

But I have been conscious of wanting to be grown up

Older

And so frustrated and powerless it is maddening

Because I cannot will myself to do what I must

And in fact I do not have control over my growth

I cannot make myself grow.

people sometimes tell me i am still so young

i am in my prime

but i say

this most certainly is not my prime

i am only beginning

in fact i feel like i am a teenager in diapers

i am an adult but i am a kid

still going through the awkward teenage years

i am in limbo.

Maybe my problem is I keep measuring myself

And measuring myself

And measuring myself.

And I want to get to being the person I want to be

Without the toil

I want to breeze through this part

To the end.

But there is no breezing through life

There is only to keep pushing

Pushing through

And I am weary and tired and hopeless and drained and impatient and heavy

Because life to me seems so daunting

And maybe it is some deep rooted fatalistic mentality in me

But living just seems too hard

And downright impossible at times.

I once read a quote that

Life is a comedy to those who think

And a tragedy to those who feel

And what I feel dominantly in life

Is sorrow.

I have come to believe my life is a tragedy.

How can I come to be a happy person

Should i?

I still recall the words of my grade school teacher on my report card:

Caroline needs the emotional support of an adult.

I want parents who will parent me.

Who will be my father?

Who will be my mother?

Who will care for me this way?

the life i've always wanted to live.

each day is mediocre.

banal.

this is not the life i wanted to live.

this isnt even the summer i wanted to have.

and each day i wonder to myself,

is this who i really am?

is this all?

beneath each moment's activities 

is the constant acute awareness

of the loneliness of this life

of living

of being nobody,

to nobody.

all i see is all that i am not

that i dont do

that i need to work on.

my lack of ambition

particularly regarding jobs

my lack of assertiveness

and confidence

and control

and experience

and relationships

and love.

i met with [][][][] the other day

and listened to her laments about married life

life with her parents

how all she thinks about is divorce

how the state of her marriage has made her not want any kids

and i just keep getting scared

more resolved than ever

to hold out for a mature man

a man who has already grown up considerably
so that what,
itll be easy?
is that what im after?
an easy marriage, easy life, better life than now?
i dont think i can handle any more disappointment
i had a crappy childhood
a crappy adolescence
i cant handle a miserable marriage too

i still just want to be babied
i want to be nursed
i want someone to take care of me
i want to mean something to someone
i want someone to be crazy about me
i want someone to share their wisdom with me
to coach me along the way
to be my biggest fan
and trusted advocate
to be the most important thing in someones life.

is this really the life ive carved out for myself?
the past year and a half have been consumed with [][][][]
am i so lost
that i dont know who i am without him?
am i really this fucked up?

do you know how hard it is to find a mother and father
at 25?
i cant even put myself up for adoption.
how the hell would i sell myself?

who is willing to take me in?
who cares?

sometime in sept i wrote in my journal

about depending on Christ to satisfy my inmost being

rather than turn the ache in my soul into a relentless pursuit of immediate gratification

and wanting to learn to respond to disappointment and painful struggles in my life

by loving others more deeply

to use the pain i feel to make myself more aware of the pain of others

more aware of God's ability to encourage.

its a nice idea.
am i living in another fantasy world
where i think this can work?
where i delude myself into thinking that i am doing this?

Charles Price said the Christian life is impossible.
Only Christ is able to live it.



Jesus dont leave me
please dont leave me hanging.