it is your kindness Lord that leads us to repentance

I'm feeling sick.
i decided to take the night to rest, put off my studies.
i ended up watching tv all night
mindlessly
and now i'm not tired enough to sleep
i'm only bored
and overcome with lethargy.
here i finally have a rare moment
to do all the things i complain i never have time for
much needed downtime
but my journal stays tucked away on the shelf
along with my sketchbooks
i cant even be bothered to read the books ive been meaning to get around to
im not even interested.
i have some time to reflect
but theres nothing on my mind these days that is even worth thinking about
what am i spending my thoughts on?
anything of value?


so... shall i meet with God?
What do i even have to talk about with him?
Do i need to say anything at all?
if i dont say anything, what do i do?
get comfortable with the silence
just knowing i am in his presence?
take time to listen
to the small inner voice
that will brings things to the surface
direct my thoughts?
listen to my spirit?
for what i need to hear
to see?
i could just pray.
what ever happened to my heart to intercede?

Lord, let my mind wander
help me to be still within myself
to be attuned to your presence
help me to listen with my spiritual ears
to be sensitive to your spirit moving
may i be aware of you
and respond to whatever comes up appropriately....


I feel bad about yelling at my dad and about our exchanges this week
i wish i could communicate better with him.
i feel bad about hurting his feelings like i do.

but what if i could write a new script for my relationship with him?
what would that look like?
i would want the opposite of the way things are now,
the script i have been telling myself for a long time,
that i am completely severed from him
detached
disconnected
and disheartened towards him
if i wrote a new script it would be that i can find a way to connect with him.
that i can actually open my heart to let him in.
i need to change my attitude.
he is not just someone who bothers me
whom i want to shut out.
i keep thinking i dont want to try, it's too uncomfortable
but that is the fatalistic conclusion i have already made
and have been approaching and perceiving it with
i need to tell myself that i can connect with him somehow.
when i choose to, i can actually relate to people easily
i can receive them
talk to them
want to know them
listen
and meet with them.
why cant i do that with my dad? or mom.

connection comes from being honest and transparent with another
i have to be real.
im not real with my dad.
i dont show him who i am
i dont reveal my heart to him
i dont share the intimate, meaningful parts of my self with him
i want to be cold and shut him out
i want to punish him
i want him to feel the hurt of being unloved and rejected
because that is how i have felt my whole life.

i need to forgive my father.

that is what God has been tugging at my heart.
being more forgiving.

Jesus, 
help me to let go of the hurt i have been holding onto
the spite and resentment and desire to lash out in retaliation
though this response was probably a natural inclination arising from my experiences growing up
it is time to stop doing the things i have been doing, to stop the patterns i have grown accustomed to
it is time to do the unnatural
to turn around and walk the other way

Lord help me to find peace in my heart
i have so little capacity to love
i need your divine love and spirit to forgive and be reconciled
to connect
to be honest
to gain a father i already deemed lost
to be found when i deemed myself abandoned
to be touched though i cowered to be alone
there is a lot of hurt on both sides that needs to be healed

you are the God of Abraham, Isaac and Jacob
the God of Joseph.
i know you can redeem.
help me to take a step God.
help me to find the courage and heart to put forgiveness into action
give me the words to say
give me the strength to step out of my comfort zone
they say the only way past something is through it

I am so lacking in grace and love
and so quick to be unmerciful when i am hurt by others
But you command us to be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to anger.

There is freedom in forgiveness.
I need your power to forgive.