back to reality

my my i have been so b u s y. 

i hate that.

but i have been enjoying myself and the company of friends

school starts in 2 weeks

i am not dreading it as much now

i can do this!

although i am auditing a couple courses

i'm only taking 3 courses for credit

so that shouldn't be too hard to handle

all in all.

and you know what

i'm proud of myself

for not choosing the easy course

i'm going to challenge myself

and i am going to bear it

some goals for this upcoming year:

i am going to work on changing my attitude about a lot of things

for example, i am going to approach this class i dont like with the prof i dont like

with the intent to gain as much as i can out of it

instead of criticizing and complaining about the downfalls.

i am going to manage my finances better,

pay off my credit cards,

and even save just a little each month

the biggest goal i have is to be extra strict with time management.

i will NOT do things that are a waste of my time.

if that means not seeing certain friends as much, so be it.

i am going to continue to practice drawing when i can

i will not be a slave to answer my phone

i am going to be c o m  m i t t e d to small group and church on sundays

and lastly,

i have had the unexpected delight of making 4 wonderful new friends over the past year

i want to develop those relationships

as well as try to meet some new people this year.

i need to quit smoking.

thots@work

I'm regretting wasting my summer away.
I have 3 weeks til school starts and I haven't once gone to a cafe to draw or read or pray.
 
You know what word I equate with 'summer'? -Tomorrow.
B/c everything I always wish I could do I leave for summer and never ever get to it 

and then I think ill put it off for next year or next time. 
Summer is always elusive. The summer I intend to have, that is. 
Something is definitely wrong with making summer plans.
I almost want to say summer is never really summer.
There doesn't exist a 'summer' in our lives.
A time to designate for all that we want to accomplish and achieve.
A time out. 
Its the ever elusive down time that always plays hard to get.
The me that says I will cultivate discipline and devotion and take care of myself. 
It doesn't exist!
 
There is only the now. 

I dream of fleeing to a monastary where i can take a vow of silence, devotion,

spend my days reading theological literature and studying and meditating 

and praying from dusk til dawn.

when will that ever happen?

You dont go FLEEing somewhere to live life

you live it right where you are.

you MAKE your life what it ought to be

not GO to a place that is conducive to the things you want to do

Sigh. I want to live my days learning theology, reading and drawing and praying and writing. 

Seriously I want to cut out everything and devote hours each day to cultivating my spiritual growth.

I don't want to fill my days wasting my time with movies and eating out 

and whatever else nonsense I let consume too much of my energy. 
I am going to read Calvin's Institutes, starting with this short abridged book of select sections. 

No more frivilous mindless unbeneficial indulgent junk. 
I need to start being seriously picky and cautious how I spend each hour of my life. 

I need to tuck myself away at home, detached from the world, and devote myself to seeking the Lord. 
I don't care if my friends never see me or I cut out ppl and socializing. 

I want God. 

And he is the one person that always gets pushed back til 'summer' or 'tomorrow' 

and takes a back seat and comes next to last. 
I can't guarantee that I will exactly wake up at 5 every morning to pray 

or practice sitting in silence for 2 hours at a time, 

but I think a good start for me is to come home, 

turn off my phone, shut out all else and invite God and bask in our time together, 

just Him and I. 
I want to deactivate fb. 

I want to disconnect internet and my phone and tv and everything, every stupid thing I distract myself with. 

Just me and my God. In a cave. In a closet. In secret. In real time. In 3D. Whatever. 
God can't we go away together, 

go someplace, lock ourselves in, and just stare at each other and talk and be silent and nap 

and can't you just hold me and let me discover you and enjoy each others company? 
Let's face it. Aint nobody gonna court me but you. 
And there aint nobody I want to be with more. 

Gal 4 - growing in the knowledge of God

i skipped church again. 
i got all ready and i meant to go but last minute they called to go for lunch.
i know its an excuse. 
i made my choice. it was deliberate.

i just listened to the sermon online.
pastor Jason spoke of what it means to grow in the knowledge of God, 
what it means to grow spiritually.
he says knowing God means knowing his heart
the father heart of God
it means going beyond doing the motions
internalizing the heart of what we do
and understanding what it is really about

he used the example of as a parent wanting to teach basic behaviors to his kids
making their beds, brushing their teeth, doing their homework in advance.
and how he hopes that as they grow up and mature they will come to realize
the reason behind why they do these things
internalize it
and understand the value of why he taught them to do it

because it is not just about what we do--
going to church on sundays
reading the bible and praying
out of guilt
giving our money
going to missions--
in itself.

and of course my first thought naturally went to my parents
wishing i had parents who bothered to teach me such things
who instilled even basic values in me
but i realize no matter how great they were/are or werent/arent
i would never be satisfied anyway
i would never be happy
it would never be enough.


but i do wonder...
would i still be who i am 
had they been different?
had they raised me differently?
how much are they responsible for who i have become?
how much am i?
and what can i do about it now?


God, are you still in the business of changing people?


Lord, what is it that i am grieving?
Why am i always grieving in my fantasies?
Show me what it is i have lost, so that i may grieve and heal.


Lord i hunger for your Word of life
to speak to me
to feed me
for even just one day
one hour


when was the last time i took out my bible
and meditated on it?




oh Lord,
help me to come before you honestly
as i am.
if i wrestled with you as Jacob did,
would you really win?
because i need to confess to you 
who i really am
i need to face it
and own up to it
and admit
just how deceitful i am

and i want to come away transformed.

but i am so weak.