Gal 4 - growing in the knowledge of God

i skipped church again. 
i got all ready and i meant to go but last minute they called to go for lunch.
i know its an excuse. 
i made my choice. it was deliberate.

i just listened to the sermon online.
pastor Jason spoke of what it means to grow in the knowledge of God, 
what it means to grow spiritually.
he says knowing God means knowing his heart
the father heart of God
it means going beyond doing the motions
internalizing the heart of what we do
and understanding what it is really about

he used the example of as a parent wanting to teach basic behaviors to his kids
making their beds, brushing their teeth, doing their homework in advance.
and how he hopes that as they grow up and mature they will come to realize
the reason behind why they do these things
internalize it
and understand the value of why he taught them to do it

because it is not just about what we do--
going to church on sundays
reading the bible and praying
out of guilt
giving our money
going to missions--
in itself.

and of course my first thought naturally went to my parents
wishing i had parents who bothered to teach me such things
who instilled even basic values in me
but i realize no matter how great they were/are or werent/arent
i would never be satisfied anyway
i would never be happy
it would never be enough.


but i do wonder...
would i still be who i am 
had they been different?
had they raised me differently?
how much are they responsible for who i have become?
how much am i?
and what can i do about it now?


God, are you still in the business of changing people?


Lord, what is it that i am grieving?
Why am i always grieving in my fantasies?
Show me what it is i have lost, so that i may grieve and heal.


Lord i hunger for your Word of life
to speak to me
to feed me
for even just one day
one hour


when was the last time i took out my bible
and meditated on it?




oh Lord,
help me to come before you honestly
as i am.
if i wrestled with you as Jacob did,
would you really win?
because i need to confess to you 
who i really am
i need to face it
and own up to it
and admit
just how deceitful i am

and i want to come away transformed.

but i am so weak.