on love.

love is costly.
if my study on the Fourth Gospel has taught me anything it is this.
in The Gospel According to John, Leon Morris comments that for the author, the love of God which the author is depicting is not a sentimental love, but a love that costs.
the Father's love was a love that did not withhold. He gave the best he had, all he had -- his Only Son.
the many commands to love Jesus charges his disciples with in the fourth gospel must be seen in light of the Father's exemplary love and His love for his own.

this made me think about all the times I make the excuse that I cannot will myself to feel love for God, for my father, for someone whom the desire to love is lacking.
but real love is not about sentimentality or feeling emotions; it is about the giving of oneself, for the other, many times in spite of a lack of feeling or desire to do so.

I ask myself, how much has it cost me to love?
how much of myself have I freely given, when it costs me discomfort, rejection, hurt, disappointment, humiliation, or forgiveness?
the truth is I am unwilling to love, to give that kind and quality of love despite not having received it for myself
love must be given, but not only if and when it is deserved

so I am humbled by the utter humiliation Jesus was willing to endure, on the cross, and also in the act of washing the disciples' feet. an act not even fit for Jewish slaves.

And the concept of love is so intimately tied to obedience, and to faithfulness
there was no bound or limit to the extent of Jesus' love for his own, but everything he did was in obedience to the Father's will, to glorify the Father, and so that they might know him, so they might believe and be saved in his name

perhaps you cannot separate the element of obedience from love
Jesus says if you love me, you will keep my commands
and he commands us to love as he has loved us.

That we love one another is what identifies those who are his disciples


we love not because we feel like it, not because it is deserved, but because Jesus has loved us, how he has loved us, and he has commanded us to do the same.

God withheld nothing. I withhold everything.


I look within myself and think I don't have it in me
I don't have love to give

but God's love not only serves as an example, it also evokes our own loving response.

Love your enemies. Forgive your brother.

If i speak in the tongues of men and of angels but have not love, i am a noisy gong or a clanging cymbal.

And if i have prophetic powers, and understand all mysteries and all knowledge, and if i have all faith, so as to move mountains,

but have not love, i am nothing.

If i give away all i have and if i deliver up my body to be burned, but have not love, i gain nothing.

 

Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude.

It does not insist on its own way, it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth.

Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.

Love never ends.

 

I've been thinking about the choice i have.

Choosing to be angry, or choosing to forgive.

Choosing to relish in the satisfaction and validation that comes from holding grudges,

from pointing out others' faults, and how i've been wronged.

Refusing to let go of the past, let go of the hurt.

Becoming proud, indignant, self-righteous.

Or instead of taking satisfaction in the criticism of others' shortcomings, choosing to love.

 

God says forgive seventy x seven times

God says love your enemies

I say, What are you, crazy?!!

 

I've never had enemies.

But sometimes, in this evil world, families are pitted against each other.

Your parents, your sibling, your spouse becomes your enemy.

They are the most difficult to love.

They are the most trying on your patience.

The most threatening to your pride.

The hardest to give grace.

The hardest to have hope for.

The hardest to bear and endure.

The hardest to forgive.

 

Lord,

In my own self-indignant way

I want those whom have hurt me to pay

To be punished

I want to retaliate

I take joy in pointing out their flaws

I think i am any better.

I have not love in me.

Not enough love.

Help me to have the heart and strength and courage to love with compassion and grace

To love when they do not show me love

When they cannot love me the way i need and want

When i feel used and neglected and unseen

Fill me with Your love for them

 

Choosing to be angry and retract my love does no good

Help me to find healing and freedom in forgiveness.

Help me to love freely, without demand or expectation in return,

Without protecting myself,

Without judgment,

Without condition.

 

Teach me how to reconcile.

Teach me how to love my enemies, forgive my brother.

 

 

September 3 2011

 

The summer is now ending.

Its too late to observe and state how little writing/thinking/reflecting I have done

The Jays offered somewhat of a reprieve from La vie

And now its time to resurface.

 

Where was i?

Or, rather, where am i?

 

I am precisely 5 courses/2 semesters/ one year from completing my B.A.

I am entering my mid-twenties. Its getting harder to refer to myself as still 'growing-up'

I am far from God, but recognizing the how and why, so feeling like I'm closer to being closer to Him. ..lets hope

I am still a student living with her grandmother with no job, but huge debt, preoccupied with playing rather than studying

 

Where have I come?

If I were a geologist digging deep into the heart of my soul

I would say the past few years I uncovered a few layers

And slowly I am venturing beneath the next

But still

At the very core is a child

too hurt and wounded to trust, feel, or love

and live

 

yes, I suppress, restrain, deny, conceal, blunt, minimize, cover, stifle, hold back and dial down any feelings

yes, I do not forgive those who have hurt me

yes, I run away from any threat to protect myself

yes, I do not trust even God

yes, I still just want to be loved

 

but it feels like I'm getting closer the farther I go

closer to being broken

closer to facing who I am before God

closer to returning, the prodigal son.

 

Is there hope yet for me?

Do you have some destined plan you are working out?

Have you meant this all for good?

 

How could I possibly counsel anyone,

Offer to invite anyone a safe place of refuge to meet another, to face and work out their pain and problems and selves

When I have yet to weather the turmoil and turbulent storms of my own soul?

Not to say that I seek to be perfect, complete or master my depravity

But only to not be mastered by it.

 

Am I nearer to meeting Jesus?

Am I almost at my end, ready to die, pick up my cross and know redemption?

Am I ready to know your love?

Am I willing?

 

Jesus are you asking me if I want to be well?

 

Are you asking me to pick up my mat and sin no more?

 

If only I had such faith, such desperation.

 

Your grace must be bigger than my unbelief.

 

Do I hear you? Help me to hear. Help me to see.

 

 

wow the semester is over in 4 days and this is my second post of the year.

i'm at my breaking point. i desperately need the summer off.

i feel so out of control
i want to sleep for 2 months and wake up refreshed, refocused and ready to go
but i know thats not how it happens.
i gotta get a grip.
but its like the harder i come down on myself the more i lose control

i dont know how to win that battle with myself

i feel like i'm Jacob wrestling with the Lord until the dawn
until finally i face what i am

i'm out of prayers. i'm out of heart and spirit.
there's nothing left in me.
it's like poison has sucked the life out of me.

do i want to be well?

my life in semesters

it's a new year. why does it not feel like a new beginning. it feels like... more of the same.

it's a new semester, but all that means is i'll be facing the same struggles, coupled with the new challenges each semester brings. basically more of the same.

sigh. 

i have so much anxiety these days. each moment i have with myself i feel the weight of it bringing me down.
i'm sinking. i don't want to despair. i try not wallow in it. i tell myself to change my thoughts and my attitude.

it feels like i'm always trying.... but coming up short.

I seriously need to figure out a way to cope with all this pressure.
i never feel adequately prepared or equipped to tackle these challenges.
to live life.

just today i was thinking, "I don't have much going for me." But I get scared to look at myself, to face my reflection. i don't want to see it.

i think back to what Dr.Noh was saying in Human Development...
about learning to self-regulate our emotions
i still have a long way to go in learning how to handle my discouragement, disappointment,
and learning to motivate myself.

i just feel so out of control. i want to master my feelings and my thoughts. i wish i had such discipline.

i think about my father. and his repeated failures. and i'm afraid of being like him. i'm afraid i'll inherit his legacy. i can't even take care of myself. i still live in my own world refusing to grow up and bear my responsibilities.

Lord, 
are you still wanting to repair my brokenness?

I really need to learn how to make better decisions for myself.
I still make bad choices. I still cannot say no when I should.
I still base my decisions on impulse or trivial matters.

i was tidying up a bit and came across some old bible study notes.
it reminded me that i need to make my decisions based on what God can do, and not on what I can't do.
it was a reminder that intimate relationship with God is where we get our strength for life.

Lord,
please reorder the desires of my heart.
help me to cultivate a hunger for you.
I want to learn how to be faithful with all that you have given me.
i want to find you, build my house on your solid rock. 
I feel like i'm crumbling.