my life in semesters

it's a new year. why does it not feel like a new beginning. it feels like... more of the same.

it's a new semester, but all that means is i'll be facing the same struggles, coupled with the new challenges each semester brings. basically more of the same.

sigh. 

i have so much anxiety these days. each moment i have with myself i feel the weight of it bringing me down.
i'm sinking. i don't want to despair. i try not wallow in it. i tell myself to change my thoughts and my attitude.

it feels like i'm always trying.... but coming up short.

I seriously need to figure out a way to cope with all this pressure.
i never feel adequately prepared or equipped to tackle these challenges.
to live life.

just today i was thinking, "I don't have much going for me." But I get scared to look at myself, to face my reflection. i don't want to see it.

i think back to what Dr.Noh was saying in Human Development...
about learning to self-regulate our emotions
i still have a long way to go in learning how to handle my discouragement, disappointment,
and learning to motivate myself.

i just feel so out of control. i want to master my feelings and my thoughts. i wish i had such discipline.

i think about my father. and his repeated failures. and i'm afraid of being like him. i'm afraid i'll inherit his legacy. i can't even take care of myself. i still live in my own world refusing to grow up and bear my responsibilities.

Lord, 
are you still wanting to repair my brokenness?

I really need to learn how to make better decisions for myself.
I still make bad choices. I still cannot say no when I should.
I still base my decisions on impulse or trivial matters.

i was tidying up a bit and came across some old bible study notes.
it reminded me that i need to make my decisions based on what God can do, and not on what I can't do.
it was a reminder that intimate relationship with God is where we get our strength for life.

Lord,
please reorder the desires of my heart.
help me to cultivate a hunger for you.
I want to learn how to be faithful with all that you have given me.
i want to find you, build my house on your solid rock. 
I feel like i'm crumbling.