happy birthday to me

i'm going into my 26th year the same way i came into my first:

crying.

i have an appointment with a new counselor tuesday.

i'm not at all sure what i want to tell him

or how i will say it

but i'm hoping the Lord will be with me.

i came home and listened to Pastor Jason's sermon today

it's been awhile since a sermon hit me deeply

he preached on conflict.

the passage was Genesis 45.

the very verse that God pierced my heart with.

"It was not you who sent me here, but God"

he spoke about understanding the nature of conflict

and how to face it

that it is thru conflict that God forms character

and teaches us to love better

it is thru conflict that Joseph went from being a dreamer,

to a leader who was a blessing to the nation

these days it seems my inability to effectively deal with conflict has been blowing up in my face

all around are people i don't share perspectives, values with

people i don't get along with

or even like

but he reminds me that how we handle conflict reveals our true character

and that it takes maturity to embrace peoples differences

that instead of confronting/exploding or withdrawing/disconnecting

God wants us to stay and learn and deepen the relationship

for when we flee we will never grow beyond our own understanding,

grow in character or maturity

he talked about being able to see the hand of God working through conflict

don't i pray for God to make me more understanding, more loving?

and yet am i teachable?

when God places people in my life that bring conflict

am i able to see others and see the circumstance from His perspective? 

am i able to intercede for those who are particularly difficult to love?

instead of withdrawing and trying to just forgive in my own heart

without confronting

how can i let go of my pride and fear

and overcome with the truth of God

to go beyond simply forgiving, but also be reconciled?

this is an opportunity to respond in faith

to allow God to teach me

and learn and grow

Lord I want to submit to what you are doing through all this

even for those who are the hardest for me to love and forgive

to be honest with

to embrace

Lord increase my ability to love

to accept them

and for the inner turmoil within myself

help me to let go of the anger and bitterness

that has been rotting my spirit

robbing my joy and spirit to worship you

help me to accept myself

help me to meet you Jesus

to know your love and grace

to experience freedom from my shame and burden

and extend your forgiveness toward others