September 3 2011

 

The summer is now ending.

Its too late to observe and state how little writing/thinking/reflecting I have done

The Jays offered somewhat of a reprieve from La vie

And now its time to resurface.

 

Where was i?

Or, rather, where am i?

 

I am precisely 5 courses/2 semesters/ one year from completing my B.A.

I am entering my mid-twenties. Its getting harder to refer to myself as still 'growing-up'

I am far from God, but recognizing the how and why, so feeling like I'm closer to being closer to Him. ..lets hope

I am still a student living with her grandmother with no job, but huge debt, preoccupied with playing rather than studying

 

Where have I come?

If I were a geologist digging deep into the heart of my soul

I would say the past few years I uncovered a few layers

And slowly I am venturing beneath the next

But still

At the very core is a child

too hurt and wounded to trust, feel, or love

and live

 

yes, I suppress, restrain, deny, conceal, blunt, minimize, cover, stifle, hold back and dial down any feelings

yes, I do not forgive those who have hurt me

yes, I run away from any threat to protect myself

yes, I do not trust even God

yes, I still just want to be loved

 

but it feels like I'm getting closer the farther I go

closer to being broken

closer to facing who I am before God

closer to returning, the prodigal son.

 

Is there hope yet for me?

Do you have some destined plan you are working out?

Have you meant this all for good?

 

How could I possibly counsel anyone,

Offer to invite anyone a safe place of refuge to meet another, to face and work out their pain and problems and selves

When I have yet to weather the turmoil and turbulent storms of my own soul?

Not to say that I seek to be perfect, complete or master my depravity

But only to not be mastered by it.

 

Am I nearer to meeting Jesus?

Am I almost at my end, ready to die, pick up my cross and know redemption?

Am I ready to know your love?

Am I willing?

 

Jesus are you asking me if I want to be well?

 

Are you asking me to pick up my mat and sin no more?

 

If only I had such faith, such desperation.

 

Your grace must be bigger than my unbelief.

 

Do I hear you? Help me to hear. Help me to see.