i finally found it.
after sifting through almost 30 books of crap in the past few weeks
it came to me.

i dont know how to describe what it is
but when the right book or words or revelation
falls into your hands
its like the stars are aligned
and everything is in its place
it just FITS.
it's just RIGHT.
and its magic.

its not even particularly that this book taught me anything
but right from the first chapter
it grabbed hold of my heart
and kept squeezing.

somehow, through some fictional story written for teens
i was given a gift
i was allowed a safe space
to feel

"to let my emotions breathe"

i dont even know why it resonates with me
i dont even know what it is exactly 
i am grieving
what it is i have lost


but sometimes things have a way of speaking to us
not in words


and maybe this is shallow
but somehow in reading a story about loss
i was able to get in touch with my own
and it feels GOOD
to feel sad
and sob
and ache
because for so long i havent let myself feel

i feel like this is the closest ive come to being real
and honest
before God
in a long time.






i had this image of myself
sitting on a bench 
in a park
in the middle of a bright day
with a helium tank
balloons
and slips of parchment
whereupon i can pen down the things i havent been wanting to see written out
encapsulating the secret burdens
and one by one
watch the colourful bubbles sail away into the blue skies
to let them go
out of my hands
and let them rise
beyond my reach