why i want to be 40

We will do the most growing over the next 10 years.

I think 40 is when people seem to come to know themselves, be secure and comfortable in their skin, in life.

They are more together,

The way I want to be now.

That’s why im so attracted to older people.

I want to be where they are in life

I admire and aspire to be like them

Im attracted to their maturity which has come from wisdom gained through time

But I know it comes with time and going through this transition phase and experiencing life and living it

They say when giving birth the first 4 centimeters take the longest to dilate.

I feel like I have been just waiting and uncomfortable and in pain for so long at this beginning stage

I have always felt so stuck in this body in this age in this emotional and spiritual infancy

Like ive been waiting for myself to grown into my self

But what infant or child is conscious of their growth

They grow naturally

They eat and sleep and grow without will

But I have been conscious of wanting to be grown up

Older

And so frustrated and powerless it is maddening

Because I cannot will myself to do what I must

And in fact I do not have control over my growth

I cannot make myself grow.

people sometimes tell me i am still so young

i am in my prime

but i say

this most certainly is not my prime

i am only beginning

in fact i feel like i am a teenager in diapers

i am an adult but i am a kid

still going through the awkward teenage years

i am in limbo.

Maybe my problem is I keep measuring myself

And measuring myself

And measuring myself.

And I want to get to being the person I want to be

Without the toil

I want to breeze through this part

To the end.

But there is no breezing through life

There is only to keep pushing

Pushing through

And I am weary and tired and hopeless and drained and impatient and heavy

Because life to me seems so daunting

And maybe it is some deep rooted fatalistic mentality in me

But living just seems too hard

And downright impossible at times.

I once read a quote that

Life is a comedy to those who think

And a tragedy to those who feel

And what I feel dominantly in life

Is sorrow.

I have come to believe my life is a tragedy.

How can I come to be a happy person

Should i?

I still recall the words of my grade school teacher on my report card:

Caroline needs the emotional support of an adult.

I want parents who will parent me.

Who will be my father?

Who will be my mother?

Who will care for me this way?