Love your enemies. Forgive your brother.

If i speak in the tongues of men and of angels but have not love, i am a noisy gong or a clanging cymbal.

And if i have prophetic powers, and understand all mysteries and all knowledge, and if i have all faith, so as to move mountains,

but have not love, i am nothing.

If i give away all i have and if i deliver up my body to be burned, but have not love, i gain nothing.

 

Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude.

It does not insist on its own way, it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth.

Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.

Love never ends.

 

I've been thinking about the choice i have.

Choosing to be angry, or choosing to forgive.

Choosing to relish in the satisfaction and validation that comes from holding grudges,

from pointing out others' faults, and how i've been wronged.

Refusing to let go of the past, let go of the hurt.

Becoming proud, indignant, self-righteous.

Or instead of taking satisfaction in the criticism of others' shortcomings, choosing to love.

 

God says forgive seventy x seven times

God says love your enemies

I say, What are you, crazy?!!

 

I've never had enemies.

But sometimes, in this evil world, families are pitted against each other.

Your parents, your sibling, your spouse becomes your enemy.

They are the most difficult to love.

They are the most trying on your patience.

The most threatening to your pride.

The hardest to give grace.

The hardest to have hope for.

The hardest to bear and endure.

The hardest to forgive.

 

Lord,

In my own self-indignant way

I want those whom have hurt me to pay

To be punished

I want to retaliate

I take joy in pointing out their flaws

I think i am any better.

I have not love in me.

Not enough love.

Help me to have the heart and strength and courage to love with compassion and grace

To love when they do not show me love

When they cannot love me the way i need and want

When i feel used and neglected and unseen

Fill me with Your love for them

 

Choosing to be angry and retract my love does no good

Help me to find healing and freedom in forgiveness.

Help me to love freely, without demand or expectation in return,

Without protecting myself,

Without judgment,

Without condition.

 

Teach me how to reconcile.

Teach me how to love my enemies, forgive my brother.

 

 

September 3 2011

 

The summer is now ending.

Its too late to observe and state how little writing/thinking/reflecting I have done

The Jays offered somewhat of a reprieve from La vie

And now its time to resurface.

 

Where was i?

Or, rather, where am i?

 

I am precisely 5 courses/2 semesters/ one year from completing my B.A.

I am entering my mid-twenties. Its getting harder to refer to myself as still 'growing-up'

I am far from God, but recognizing the how and why, so feeling like I'm closer to being closer to Him. ..lets hope

I am still a student living with her grandmother with no job, but huge debt, preoccupied with playing rather than studying

 

Where have I come?

If I were a geologist digging deep into the heart of my soul

I would say the past few years I uncovered a few layers

And slowly I am venturing beneath the next

But still

At the very core is a child

too hurt and wounded to trust, feel, or love

and live

 

yes, I suppress, restrain, deny, conceal, blunt, minimize, cover, stifle, hold back and dial down any feelings

yes, I do not forgive those who have hurt me

yes, I run away from any threat to protect myself

yes, I do not trust even God

yes, I still just want to be loved

 

but it feels like I'm getting closer the farther I go

closer to being broken

closer to facing who I am before God

closer to returning, the prodigal son.

 

Is there hope yet for me?

Do you have some destined plan you are working out?

Have you meant this all for good?

 

How could I possibly counsel anyone,

Offer to invite anyone a safe place of refuge to meet another, to face and work out their pain and problems and selves

When I have yet to weather the turmoil and turbulent storms of my own soul?

Not to say that I seek to be perfect, complete or master my depravity

But only to not be mastered by it.

 

Am I nearer to meeting Jesus?

Am I almost at my end, ready to die, pick up my cross and know redemption?

Am I ready to know your love?

Am I willing?

 

Jesus are you asking me if I want to be well?

 

Are you asking me to pick up my mat and sin no more?

 

If only I had such faith, such desperation.

 

Your grace must be bigger than my unbelief.

 

Do I hear you? Help me to hear. Help me to see.

 

 

wow the semester is over in 4 days and this is my second post of the year.

i'm at my breaking point. i desperately need the summer off.

i feel so out of control
i want to sleep for 2 months and wake up refreshed, refocused and ready to go
but i know thats not how it happens.
i gotta get a grip.
but its like the harder i come down on myself the more i lose control

i dont know how to win that battle with myself

i feel like i'm Jacob wrestling with the Lord until the dawn
until finally i face what i am

i'm out of prayers. i'm out of heart and spirit.
there's nothing left in me.
it's like poison has sucked the life out of me.

do i want to be well?

my life in semesters

it's a new year. why does it not feel like a new beginning. it feels like... more of the same.

it's a new semester, but all that means is i'll be facing the same struggles, coupled with the new challenges each semester brings. basically more of the same.

sigh. 

i have so much anxiety these days. each moment i have with myself i feel the weight of it bringing me down.
i'm sinking. i don't want to despair. i try not wallow in it. i tell myself to change my thoughts and my attitude.

it feels like i'm always trying.... but coming up short.

I seriously need to figure out a way to cope with all this pressure.
i never feel adequately prepared or equipped to tackle these challenges.
to live life.

just today i was thinking, "I don't have much going for me." But I get scared to look at myself, to face my reflection. i don't want to see it.

i think back to what Dr.Noh was saying in Human Development...
about learning to self-regulate our emotions
i still have a long way to go in learning how to handle my discouragement, disappointment,
and learning to motivate myself.

i just feel so out of control. i want to master my feelings and my thoughts. i wish i had such discipline.

i think about my father. and his repeated failures. and i'm afraid of being like him. i'm afraid i'll inherit his legacy. i can't even take care of myself. i still live in my own world refusing to grow up and bear my responsibilities.

Lord, 
are you still wanting to repair my brokenness?

I really need to learn how to make better decisions for myself.
I still make bad choices. I still cannot say no when I should.
I still base my decisions on impulse or trivial matters.

i was tidying up a bit and came across some old bible study notes.
it reminded me that i need to make my decisions based on what God can do, and not on what I can't do.
it was a reminder that intimate relationship with God is where we get our strength for life.

Lord,
please reorder the desires of my heart.
help me to cultivate a hunger for you.
I want to learn how to be faithful with all that you have given me.
i want to find you, build my house on your solid rock. 
I feel like i'm crumbling. 

happy birthday to me

i'm going into my 26th year the same way i came into my first:

crying.

i have an appointment with a new counselor tuesday.

i'm not at all sure what i want to tell him

or how i will say it

but i'm hoping the Lord will be with me.

i came home and listened to Pastor Jason's sermon today

it's been awhile since a sermon hit me deeply

he preached on conflict.

the passage was Genesis 45.

the very verse that God pierced my heart with.

"It was not you who sent me here, but God"

he spoke about understanding the nature of conflict

and how to face it

that it is thru conflict that God forms character

and teaches us to love better

it is thru conflict that Joseph went from being a dreamer,

to a leader who was a blessing to the nation

these days it seems my inability to effectively deal with conflict has been blowing up in my face

all around are people i don't share perspectives, values with

people i don't get along with

or even like

but he reminds me that how we handle conflict reveals our true character

and that it takes maturity to embrace peoples differences

that instead of confronting/exploding or withdrawing/disconnecting

God wants us to stay and learn and deepen the relationship

for when we flee we will never grow beyond our own understanding,

grow in character or maturity

he talked about being able to see the hand of God working through conflict

don't i pray for God to make me more understanding, more loving?

and yet am i teachable?

when God places people in my life that bring conflict

am i able to see others and see the circumstance from His perspective? 

am i able to intercede for those who are particularly difficult to love?

instead of withdrawing and trying to just forgive in my own heart

without confronting

how can i let go of my pride and fear

and overcome with the truth of God

to go beyond simply forgiving, but also be reconciled?

this is an opportunity to respond in faith

to allow God to teach me

and learn and grow

Lord I want to submit to what you are doing through all this

even for those who are the hardest for me to love and forgive

to be honest with

to embrace

Lord increase my ability to love

to accept them

and for the inner turmoil within myself

help me to let go of the anger and bitterness

that has been rotting my spirit

robbing my joy and spirit to worship you

help me to accept myself

help me to meet you Jesus

to know your love and grace

to experience freedom from my shame and burden

and extend your forgiveness toward others

 

book study: Alive in Christ- Charles Price

Ch 9
how do we gain access to presence of God, to the Most Holy Place?

through the entrance of the Tabernacle, the first feature in the courtyard was the bronze altar.
it is here that burnt, guilt, and sin offerings were made to God.
from this we can see that access to God begins with the shedding of blood--
"the laying down of life in substitutionary payment for the penalty of sin"

the altar directs us to the Cross of Christ,
the starting point to fellowship with God.
the Cross was a substitute for our sin and our death, paid in full by Christ
it was satisfactory. God required nothing more.
it is sufficient. to doubt the depth of complete forgiveness is to deny the effectiveness of the Cross.
without the confidence that we stand justified before God on the basis of His death alone,
we can neither know God nor enjoy his presence.

Have you been to the Cross,
to the altar where the fire never burns out
and is always available to liberate you from your sin and justify you before God?

at this altar grain offerings were also given
blood offerings dealt with sin, grain offerings dealt with the self
it represented offering yourself, in connection with being forgiven.
on the Cross Christ died for us, but we also died with Him
all that is in us that is apart from God must be crucified
yet not I, but Christ lives in me

for until we avail ourselves of the full measure of the Cross
we shall not experience the fullness of God's purposes for us and in us.

next, was the bronze basin, where priests washed their hands and feet
cleanliness was required before entering the presence of God
though we received justification at the Cross,
we need ongoing cleansing as we fall into sin

Who may ascend to the hill of the Lord?
who may stand in his holy place?
he who has clean hands and a pure heart,
who does not lift up his soul to an idol or swear by what is false 

The basin was constructed from the mirrors of women
an instrument originally for the purpose of turning attention to the self
was made to turn attention to God.
in a similar fashion, if we become introspective of our spiritual lives
we will get discouraged, disappointed and despair.
we ought to turn our attention to Christ, in whom alone our righteousness is found.


next, in the holy place, was the table of bread,
and the bread of the presence.
on top of justifying and cleansing us,
the Lord strengthens and sustains us as well.
Jesus is the bread of life.
it is not fellowship, good teaching, or even good doctrine that satisfies or nourishes us.
it is Christ alone.


Next, the Golden Lampstand.

*  *  *

Lord,

i am so guilty of looking inward

i see my wretchedness and i despair

instead of looking to you

to the Cross

and what you have already accomplished

I have yet to learn of your forgiveness

of meeting you at the cross

of being cleansed before you

there are so many places in my inmost being where you do not reside

that i have not crucified and surrendered

Holy Spirit,

guide my heart so that i may be led to true repentance

to turn from the idols i give over to

that i may obey your law

i want to have a pure heart

to walk in your ways

i want to know Christ.

i want you to be real in my life.

i want to be deeply transformed,

i want to genuinely proclaim

that to live is Christ

and to die is gain.

i want to live my life seeking you with all my heart, soul and my everything

but i keep losing sight of who you are

and that you are the one going before me

i keep trying to go up and take the land by force

without your approval

Lord make me humble

that i may be your servant

please show me your kindness

let me have faith in you

and not in me

free me from condemnation

from lies and burdens

help me to see your Truth

it is your kindness Lord that leads us to repentance

I'm feeling sick.
i decided to take the night to rest, put off my studies.
i ended up watching tv all night
mindlessly
and now i'm not tired enough to sleep
i'm only bored
and overcome with lethargy.
here i finally have a rare moment
to do all the things i complain i never have time for
much needed downtime
but my journal stays tucked away on the shelf
along with my sketchbooks
i cant even be bothered to read the books ive been meaning to get around to
im not even interested.
i have some time to reflect
but theres nothing on my mind these days that is even worth thinking about
what am i spending my thoughts on?
anything of value?


so... shall i meet with God?
What do i even have to talk about with him?
Do i need to say anything at all?
if i dont say anything, what do i do?
get comfortable with the silence
just knowing i am in his presence?
take time to listen
to the small inner voice
that will brings things to the surface
direct my thoughts?
listen to my spirit?
for what i need to hear
to see?
i could just pray.
what ever happened to my heart to intercede?

Lord, let my mind wander
help me to be still within myself
to be attuned to your presence
help me to listen with my spiritual ears
to be sensitive to your spirit moving
may i be aware of you
and respond to whatever comes up appropriately....


I feel bad about yelling at my dad and about our exchanges this week
i wish i could communicate better with him.
i feel bad about hurting his feelings like i do.

but what if i could write a new script for my relationship with him?
what would that look like?
i would want the opposite of the way things are now,
the script i have been telling myself for a long time,
that i am completely severed from him
detached
disconnected
and disheartened towards him
if i wrote a new script it would be that i can find a way to connect with him.
that i can actually open my heart to let him in.
i need to change my attitude.
he is not just someone who bothers me
whom i want to shut out.
i keep thinking i dont want to try, it's too uncomfortable
but that is the fatalistic conclusion i have already made
and have been approaching and perceiving it with
i need to tell myself that i can connect with him somehow.
when i choose to, i can actually relate to people easily
i can receive them
talk to them
want to know them
listen
and meet with them.
why cant i do that with my dad? or mom.

connection comes from being honest and transparent with another
i have to be real.
im not real with my dad.
i dont show him who i am
i dont reveal my heart to him
i dont share the intimate, meaningful parts of my self with him
i want to be cold and shut him out
i want to punish him
i want him to feel the hurt of being unloved and rejected
because that is how i have felt my whole life.

i need to forgive my father.

that is what God has been tugging at my heart.
being more forgiving.

Jesus, 
help me to let go of the hurt i have been holding onto
the spite and resentment and desire to lash out in retaliation
though this response was probably a natural inclination arising from my experiences growing up
it is time to stop doing the things i have been doing, to stop the patterns i have grown accustomed to
it is time to do the unnatural
to turn around and walk the other way

Lord help me to find peace in my heart
i have so little capacity to love
i need your divine love and spirit to forgive and be reconciled
to connect
to be honest
to gain a father i already deemed lost
to be found when i deemed myself abandoned
to be touched though i cowered to be alone
there is a lot of hurt on both sides that needs to be healed

you are the God of Abraham, Isaac and Jacob
the God of Joseph.
i know you can redeem.
help me to take a step God.
help me to find the courage and heart to put forgiveness into action
give me the words to say
give me the strength to step out of my comfort zone
they say the only way past something is through it

I am so lacking in grace and love
and so quick to be unmerciful when i am hurt by others
But you command us to be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to anger.

There is freedom in forgiveness.
I need your power to forgive.